The ‘Couve Diss

thanks to Rob Holland for photo. Bad graphics are all me.

It isn’t easy moving to a new town.  That’s one thing I have learned, over and over again.  When you have travelled a lot  you get really good at it, like anything you repeat over and over again including bad behaviour patterns.  But certain things are always difficult – like breaking in with the locals.  So you want it even more.    And while I love Van, most of the time, even when it rains, it needs to be said that that is one of the worst things about this city -those snobby vancouverite bitches.  (and by bitches I mean the men too).

This image sticks in my mind from my first week in Vancouver:  I was walking down a street.  It was a normal street, buildings, cars, etc, etc.    Light caught my eye; I realised it was glancing off a huge fuck-off glass window.   Inside the window, where everyone could see them, were ‘Couves exercising on equipment.     They all bounced up and down with complete self-absorption, like cyborg exercise lemmings.  I remember thinking, wow, they really don’t care if anyone sees them.  Wow.   It’s like we’re not even there.

BINGO!

The thing with the ‘Couve Diss is it’s not so obvious that you know you’re being dissed. It’s not as if they say “Get away from me, trog.  I spit on your mother” so at least you’d know where you stand.       On the surface, Vancouverites seem very nice people, with clear, soft rain-forest skin, social skills, yoga, the environment and all that kind of shit.    But there’s no taking it further to actually like, becoming friends. No.  Because behind the clear,  kind eyes,  there is a Door Bitch (i.e. those people at the door at clubs who won’t let you in)

“You wanna be friends?  No.  Add your name to the Wait List  and if any of my friends die I’ll let you know mmm-kay?  Thanks for coming by“

You don’t know this, though.  As a newbie, you don’t know about the Door Bitch deep inside the ‘Couve you’re talking to.  They seem so nice. My mate Chris  has noted a second phenomenon, which is you meet a Couve a few times, you get on really well, and then…as he put it…they go dark on you. You never hear form them again.   And it’s like WHAT DID I DO??? WHAT DID I DOOOOOOOO?

Here are my theories about why Couves are this way.

-The rain makes them so depressed they can’t make friends

-They’re looking at the mountains and you’re in the way

-They are an advanced kind of dolphin that appears to be human but can only communicate in high-pitched squeaks that humans can’t hear

-The crap liquor licensing laws that mean most people have to stay home to really have a good time

-They really think they’re better than everyone else cos they come from Vancouver

-They’re very shy

-They are misanthropes

-They see you as competition in the real estate market and wish you’d bugger off

-They’re constantly stoned or paranoid

-They have eye problems and think there are a lot of new trees in Vancouver

So, my fellow newbies and expats,  here’s my advice.  Screw the bitches, and make friends with the other newbies.  Let’s take this town.